나만.

It’s been a while now, but it seems like it was just yesterday that you left me for dead. Maybe because everyday always feels the same. It never stops hurting.

I need to escape this time loop somehow.

I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. we haven’t talked for about 4/5 months now, but I’m still in love with you. I was mad at you for the longest time. Because I hated that you managed to stay whole, when all I could do was fall apart. I’ve been trying to hold myself together for some time now. And after a while, I’ve realised that was all just a story in my head.

I always treated everything like a game; where I constantly played the victim. And you were right when you said that I could make you feel bad in any way I wanted to because I knew you would always stay. I know I said and did some terrible things, and believe me when I say I’m so ashamed of those parts of me. But I hope you know I wasn’t in the right mind at all. That is no excuse though. You lied to me, but it’s not like you deserved all that I said and did.

I’m sorry for always saying I hated you, when I knew that was the one thing that would make you feel insecure. I’m sorry for swearing at you, when I knew you didn’t like it at all. I’m sorry for making you cry, when I knew no one else could. And I’m sorry that all I could do was hurt you, when all you did was try to make me happy.

But I can’t do anything to make up for my mistakes. All I can do now is hope you’re in a better place without me. Even though I hate how things are right now, I know I can’t be selfish. I can’t act like I was the only one hurting anymore. Maybe one day when the time is right, I’ll find my way back to you, but until then Take care.

I saw a post earlier that said you were suicidal. Can i ask for some advice to someone handling with a suicidal friend? I dont know what i can do but i feel so helpless
Anonymous

Hmm, everyone is different so there is no right or wrong answer to this. I know it is a cliché to say but If someone doesn’t want to be helped, then you can’t help them.

But if your friend reaches out to you (even in the most subtle way), then you better be there for them. They might be quiet at first and not want to say a word, but be patient. They’ll come around in their own time. And whatever you do, do not offer advice on how to handle their thoughts/the situation. That makes a person feel much worse; because you don’t know if they have already tried everything and chances are, they have and just want to vent without being judged or any input from others.

Also remember no one actually ever wants to die, they just don’t want to feel the pain anymore. If you feel like you’re panicking, then imagine being in your friend’s shoes. If you’ve ever felt suicidal, you know it is one of the most horrifying thing to feel; because you may have everything good going for you (or actually maybe not), but the pain becomes so unbearable that you feel nothing can make it stop. There’s this stigma that completing suicide is selfish, so no one ever wants to say they are straight out suicidal. So please refrain from saying that to your friend, or anyone if you don’t understand it at all. People who are suicidal often know that people care and love them, but the pain is so overwhelming to the point that they can’t think straight or see themselves making a difference in people’s lives if they were gone or not.

Just allow them to vent, because often that’s the start of someone realising they do not actually want to die. Even though we don’t talk anymore, an old friend saved my life just because she was willing to talk to me. I was honestly in bed every fucking day with the unbearable pain for over a month. But when I told her everything that went on in my head, I felt a big relief and didn’t feel so alone anymore. From there, I started university, met a lot of new people who are now my good friends, and I experienced things I wouldn’t have experienced if I took my life right there and then. Every now and then, those bad thoughts like to come back (if I feel something goes completely wrong or whatever), but it’s easier now not to be driven by those thoughts (because my friend decided to pick up the phone and I realised the impact I made on everyone’s life).

This is based on my own experience though. I don’t know your friend and their situation, so maybe my advice won’t be useful to you. But I know others who have felt suicidal in the past, and they also told me talking about their feelings helped a lot. You’re a good person and I hope your friend pulls through. All the best. 

I’m working through my issues and trying to be a better person. Because that’s all I can do at this point. I need to learn to trust myself again and stop being so reliant on others. I just need some time and space to sort it all out. I can’t let anyone get inside my head for now.

4,215 plays

Made In Heights - Murakami

Do not look for someone that is fun,For that person will also be fun to others.Do not look for someone that is pretty,For that person will also be pretty to others.
Someone that is nice to you, only beautiful to you, and only fun to you, If you have that one person, life is wonderful.
- (translation by 00cm)

Do not look for someone that is fun,
For that person will also be fun to others.
Do not look for someone that is pretty,
For that person will also be pretty to others.

Someone that is nice to you, only beautiful to you, and only fun to you,
If you have that one person, life is wonderful.

- (translation by 00cm)

같이 밥 먹으면 정든다잖아요. 같이 밥 먹는 사이가 된 게 굉장히 좋은 것 같아요. (If you eat together with people, you grow fond of them. So I think eating together is a very good thing.)
박소진 (Sojin Park)

I recently submitted a creative writing piece that I wrote back a few years ago in a writing competition where the winning piece would be published. It had 3 rounds, but I only made it through to the finals. Even though I didn’t win, I’m proud that my piece went further than expected.

Despite everything that has happened, I still appreciate everything and everyone I have in my life. But I don’t fear in the loss of those things anymore. What I fear most now is that these (mental) scars have gone down deep enough that I will forever forget how To feel anything but pain; To feel grateful or happy for all I have. 

You can outgrow your dummy and favourite teddy bear. But the memories and nolstagia will always remain with you. Because they helped you grow into the person you are today. Like the people you were blessed to have met in your life. They may not be with you to help you through the tough times today. But they once were, and that’s enough to be grateful for.